If Only…
In 1 Samuel 27, David has begun to despair and says in his heart, “Now I shall perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than that I should escape to the land of the Philistines.” David despaired for his life and forgot God’s faithful protections of the past. David arose and went, he and his entire household, to the land of idol-worshiping Philistines. There,
David sought to find favor with Achish, the king of Gath. David has taken his life into his own hands. The LORD is not mentioned one time in chapter 27 and there is no record of David seeking Him in prayer before fleeing Israel. David looks inward and consults his own heart. His self-talk leads to self-reliance which leads to allowing his feelings, fear and despair, to dictate his behavior.
We are saturated in a culture that believes we can find the truth inside of ourselves. We’re told that we are enough and we must only follow our heart to find happiness. From bookstores to Instagram, every form of self-help is at our fingertips, and it is ever so tempting to follow this path of self-reliance.
I’ve believed that I should be enough, and for decades I lived with a simmering anger because, deep down, I knew I could never meet my own unrealistic standards. Standards that I created by taking the best attributes of everyone around me and believing that I should embody all of them. I should be beautiful, smart, funny, creative, a great cook, and the best wife, mom and friend. If only I was more interesting and had better hair (I wish this wasn't a real example!), then I wouldn’t feel awkward in social settings. If only I was better at decorating and cooking then I’d host more often. If only I was more disciplined in my eating and exercise, then I would feel happy about myself. I’ve been proud of my accomplishments and despised my weaknesses. I’ve found myself stuck in the vicious cycle of pride and self-pity, with my emotions ruling the day. Even in faith, I’ve unconsciously embodied the self-talk of the culture we live in. Too often I’ve gone to my own heart for what felt right instead of to the Author of wisdom to learn what is true. I’ve believed that I could will heart change through my own will power and that I could discern what is good through my own knowledge. I’ve tried to find my identity and worth in myself instead of in the LORD.
Praise God for His patience and mercy towards me. I cannot name the day that my self-talk turned into prayer, but I can say that nothing has been the same since. In John 16:24, Jesus says, “Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask and you shall receive, that your joy may be full.” Instead of relying on myself, I bowed before the LORD in submission, confessing that I was desperate for a heart of joy. My cry became Psalm 19:14, “May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.” And Psalm 51:10, “Create in me a new heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Over and over, throughout each day I prayed. With each temptation towards self-reliance or comparison, I prayed. Slowly, ever so slowly, a new joy began to bubble within me. Anger and self-pity, two constant companions, lost their grip on me. God replaced my desire for others to think highly of me with a desire for others to see Him in me. He is creating a new heart within me. Hallelujah!
This isn’t to say that I do not have times when I spiral into self-reliance, but the spirals happen less frequently, and are shorter lived, as I am more quick to remember where true joy and hope is found. May we remember to run to the LORD in prayer and sing with David Psalm 28:6-7:
“Blessed be the LORD! For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.”
Esther Cowan